As you might know already, I’m something of an authority on facebook and its machinations. I love it. It’s not only my favorite social networking site, but my favorite website overall and in general, too. Most of my posts on facebook are about how much I love the site and its creator, Mark. So you can imagine how delighted I am that someone asked me a question about facebook’s advertising policies!
The reason I answered this query—which some might see as a disgruntled pig fuck trying to take the piss out of me—with kindness instead of melting the flesh from his bones with the blinding light of Mark Our Zuckerberg’s Internet Truth is that I know Dave is coming from a good, albeit frustrated, place. Loving facebook is a journey, fraught with doubt. Remember when the Devil taunted Jesus Christ the Not-Zuckerberg? Dave is going through a similar experience. The reason I’m posting this on Tumblr is because I want everyone to know that IT’S OKAY to have doubts, and it BY NO MEANS makes you a bad social networker, so long as you seek answers. Furthermore I wanted to let you all know that if you have any questions, you should feel free to ask them to me.

As you might know already, I’m something of an authority on facebook and its machinations. I love it. It’s not only my favorite social networking site, but my favorite website overall and in general, too. Most of my posts on facebook are about how much I love the site and its creator, Mark. So you can imagine how delighted I am that someone asked me a question about facebook’s advertising policies!

The reason I answered this query—which some might see as a disgruntled pig fuck trying to take the piss out of me—with kindness instead of melting the flesh from his bones with the blinding light of Mark Our Zuckerberg’s Internet Truth is that I know Dave is coming from a good, albeit frustrated, place. Loving facebook is a journey, fraught with doubt. Remember when the Devil taunted Jesus Christ the Not-Zuckerberg? Dave is going through a similar experience. The reason I’m posting this on Tumblr is because I want everyone to know that IT’S OKAY to have doubts, and it BY NO MEANS makes you a bad social networker, so long as you seek answers. Furthermore I wanted to let you all know that if you have any questions, you should feel free to ask them to me.

In which I ride a gay, high horse

I support gay marriage. If two guys want to do it with each others’ mouths and butts, or if two ladies think it’d be fun to sit on each others faces forever and ever in blissful matrimony, that’s fine. I’ve met too many exceptionally kind gay people and too many exceptionally shitty gay people to not believe that, barring their proclivity for playing with whichever kind of genitals is chilling on their groins, they are exactly the same as straight people, and are therefore entitled to the same rights to pursue happiness that I am. (Of course, happiness is a myth, but I don’t think that should ever stop anyone trying to get at it.)

Maybe the most popular argument against gay marriage (after the religious one, which, come on) is that being gay isn’t natural. Now, it’s my understanding that homosexuality is pretty much proven to be a biologically inherent trait. And that’s kind of what it means to be natural, right? To occur in nature? Natural? Using this definition of “natural,” here’s an abridged list of things that are far less natural than homosexuality.

-Mountain Dew
-Doritos (any flavor)
-Ice cream
-Marriage
-Roads
-Cars
-Bicycles
-Toilets
-Buildings
-Clothing
-Chairs

Do you like chairs? Well tough shit, because they aren’t natural. So unless you want to be thought of as a godless queer, stand up forever. Never sit down. You’d have to sleep standing up, too, because we had to invent mattresses. Mattresses were a lifestyle choice.

So basically, all of humanity is unnatural. We’re an unnatural thing. We don’t make any sense.

But then this begs the question of what “natural” even really is. I just gave my own definition for it. Merriam-Webster lists FIFTEEN DEFINITIONS, many of which have auxiliary definitions. This is problematic enough in and of itself, but look at that first one:

based on an inherent sense of right and wrong

Notice that it doesn’t say “based on what is inherently right and wrong,” because right and wrong are never objective. But then this circles back into the religion argument, which, come on.

So You Want to Seem Interesting Without Actually Being Interesting!

So you want to seem interesting without actually being interesting! Don’t worry; while this might seem tricky, it’s remarkably easy—easier, in fact, than actually being interesting! Being a person of substance can require time, energy, talent, and life experience, but feigning substance is really just a matter of accessorizing. Without further ado, let’s get started!

If you have no ostensible artistic talents:

Fake it. Buy an instrument, paintbrush, camera—anything with which you can make art, or at least appear to make art. Being good at what you’re doing is totally irrelevant; all you have to do is drop the title—‘musician’, ‘artist’, ‘photographer’, ‘writer’—and you’re set.

What props will I need if I want to pretend to be a writer?

Good call. While there aren’t really any tangible props you can have on your person to let people know you’re all about the written word (you could have a typewriter, but it would just be for display), you have something that’s arguably better at your disposal.

The internet has god knows how many blogging sites that’ll house your entire canon for the least amount of money there is ($0.00). You can post rambling pose pieces packed with vague insights regarding most anything (though, to start, you might want to focus on relationships before working your way up to oversimplifying complex political issues), fiction, or poetry. If you really don’t like writing, you might want to focus on poetry, as it contains the fewest number of words and is therefore the easiest. (Author’s tip: ‘heart’ rhymes with ‘start’ and ‘apart’.)

The other component of the writer’s facade reading. There’s this terrible stereotype that a reading is a time-consuming, laborious pastime. Not entirely true. Shitty books, it turns out, pass in and out of your life with all the velocity of a cheesy gordita crunch, and while many of the popular ones are generally acknowledged as shitty (the Twilight SagaGossip Girl), some mediocre ones are thought of as being profoundly important just because one book by that author gets adapted into a really good David Fincher movie.

Suppose that’s still too much work for me?

Take a few hundred dollars from your parents, go to Urban Outfitters. Buy anything. Absolutely anything. Then, wear it.

Once you’re decked out in Urban Outfitters attire, start drinking coffee in the cafe section of your local Barnes & Noble/Borders. Then, love it too much. Chemical addictions are immensely interesting, which is why some people think Jim Morrison is interesting. 

Since you’re at Barnes and Noble, you might as well pick up a few books on cupcake decorating. For some reason, cupcakes have become far more popular than they deserve to be. I don’t say that because cupcakes aren’t delicious, but they’re no more delicious than, say, a regularly sized cake. Or a pie. Really, they’re just on par with other baked goods. Anyway, start baking and decorating cupcakes, but not without posting pictures of them on Facebook.

It sounds like anyone can do this. How do I become (seemingly) more interesting than my competition?

Well, if you’re a girl, you could have a vague interest in a professional baseball, football, basketball, or hockey team. When referring to the happenings of the team, use ‘we’, e.g. ‘We’re in the playoffs, and suddenly I’m terribly interested in this sport.’ Most males will be so overcome with the joy of having met a girl with an interest in sports that they won’t care to question your knowledge. 

For the fellas…well, there’s just less pressure on guys to be interesting, I think. Learn a lot about beer and grow a beard. There’s something inherently interesting about beards. 

Well, I must be off. I need to go explain to someone how ‘I wouldn’t call myself religious, but maybe spiritual?’ You can use that if you want.