I wrote this piece and the Bygone Bureau was nice enough to publish it. It’s pretty silly.
The holiday Valentine’s Day—not to be confused with the Garry Marshall film of same name, (The holiday Valentine’s Day, 2010)—can be a time of great stress for many sexually active people. The gifts, the sex with one specific person…it can get pretty overwhelming to keep it all straight in your head. Here’s my definitive guide for navigating these troubled waters.
(NOTE: this is MY definitive guide. Yours will most likely be different.)
1. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You can use this fact as an analogy to help you remember that there are a lot of potential partners for you, on land. That’s why it’s very important, especially around Valentine’s Day, to remember which person you’re dating. Nothing puts a damper on the festivities quite like accidentally giving a beautiful bouquet of peonies to the wrong woman, who might have a different favorite flower. Remembering who you’re dating will also be helpful when it comes time to make a dinner reservation. You should always put the reservation in the other person’s name, unless you want the NSA on your ass 24/7.
2. Valentine’s Day is all about making your significant other feel special. True, you already call them “significant.” How is that not enough? Whatever the reason, the fact is that it isn’t. That’s why, to make your beau or geau (a girl beau) feel like the most beautiful person in the world, you should spend the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day eating like shit and neglecting your hygiene. Nothing says “I love you” like saying I love you and being able to smell it.
3. This one is simple: Stage your own death. In your “absence,” your SigOth realize how much you “meant” to them. Unfortunately, to really sell this, you’ll have to convince everyone you’re dead. But hey, there’s your Christmas card idea: “Neither of us are dead.” At some point during your death, you should appear as the ghost of yourself. Have her follow you into the dining room, where you’ll have a candle lit dinner and an EKG monitor waiting. Pull out her chair for her, then hook yourself up to the monitor to prove that you’re not a real ghost. Then, make sure your lips are good and balmed, because you’re about to get smooched!
4. If it seems improper to kiss on the lips, even on a day that’s dedicated to romance and intimacy, you’re right. A firm handshake will do. A firm handshake will do just fine.
5.Do NOT buy him/her chocolates. Chocolate is the kiss on the lips of food. A sleeve of saltines is your best option, as an entire box would seem ostentatious.
Well, there you have it! If you follow these steps to the letter, I can virtually guarantee that you’ll be married by midnight!
linda’s valentine’s day song. as true this year as it was last year, if not more so. except not really, cuz don’t kill yourself. we need you.